Lucky

I’m one of the luckiest people I know.

Uh, Heather?  Um, you have stage IV incurable cancer.  Remember  that?

Yes…  yes, I do.
Know what else I have?

A wife and kids who I love and adore more than anything.
A family that supports and loves me as much as I do them.
Friends that make me laugh and have my back when I need it.
A home that is beyond adequate.
Enough means to be fed well, clothed and even be able to travel.
A church that feeds my soul and a church family that protects that.
The ability to play music.
Two cats to curl up with.
Comedic timing to make people laugh.
A green thumb to help things grow (sometimes).
Shall I go on?  This could be a very long list…

So I’m lucky.  I may not always have my health, but for the most part I’ve been able to function quite well lately.  Enough to get out and enjoy things.  Enough to start volunteering at church once a week and enough to start back at school.  I’m even starting to get more exercise in.

Lately I’ve had some strong thoughts and feelings about mortality.  Of course we’re all going to die, but my reality is that it may come much sooner for me.  As of now I’m incurable.  I have no idea how long I have, but no one does really.  The thing that I feel the luckiest about is that I have barely changed since I’ve been diagnosed.  Now, MJ may tell you another story, I don’t know.  But I feel mostly the same.  I didn’t have a big “I need to change A, B and C and do X, Y, and Z now!”  The one major thing I did after being diagnosed was released baggage.  I let go of some of the feelings I was harboring toward some situations and people.  And it’s been great.  Very healing.  Other than that though, I can say that I’ve been living my life the same and that makes me so happy.  And lucky!  It means I’ve been living my life how I’ve wanted.  And that’s a great feeling.  It’s still very scary to have to deal with this monster of mortality, but it puts me at peace knowing I’m in the right place.
If I go tomorrow, I’m happy with what I’ve gotten to do and see in my life.  I’ve had a great life.  By no means am I done though. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty I want to see and do yet!  But it’s nice to be in a place of no regrets.