All the Unknowns

This is probably one of the most difficult posts I’ve written in this blog.

I’ll start with the good, fun stuff though…

In the beginning of the year, I decided that I wanted to take MJ and the kids to Disney World.  Traveling had started to become a little more difficult for me and I wanted to be sure we could do this trip without any issues. So I booked the trip and went all out.  Got a room at one of the Disney Resorts.  MJ and I made reservations at a couple of restaurants, and the kids and I picked all of our Fastpasses.  We got 6 days of tickets!  This is a really big deal for us because we usually travel very frugally. 

We got there and had an absolute blast. We all had so much fun with very little bickers. 

Back in March I had started to have some issues with belly swelling.  Nothing too terrible, but noticable. Having just a little trouble with the button on my pants.  No biggie.  I continued to swell up to the trip.  By the time we went on the trip I actually had to buy new pants.  I knew there was an issue, but it was something I wanted to take care of after the trip.  I probably shouldn’t of waited, but I can’t change that now.  And I have no regrets about going on that trip.

So back to Disney…  I was supposed to do a scuba dive in the huge aquarium they have there.  It was just me in the group which was super awesome.  I got suited up, got my BC and tank on and got into the water.  Because of the swelling I could not catch my breathe.  I tried and tried everything, but I just couldn’t do it.  It was heart breaking and I knew at that point things were bad.  I had let things get very bad.

On the second to last day to going home, we had split up that day for awhile and for my last ride of the night I got on the Rockin’ Roller coaster. Total blast.  I go to get off and the person next to me is standing over me waiting to get out.  I’ve been pretty slow getting in and out of the rides because the swelling had also moved into my legs.  My bag got caught as I was pulling it out and I was flustered by the girl standing over me that as I tried to pull myself up I fell out.  Fell pretty hard on my shoulder.  I was OK but pretty embarrassed.  Then the following day, I was still a bit sore but managed to walk around without issue all day, until the end of the day, that is.  I had to use the restroom and I was the only one so I left my stuff with those that were waiting and I headed up the walkway.  I heard this man yelling at his kid, “Hey!  Pay attention!  You’re not looking where you’re going!” and before I knew it, his feet were tangled in mine and down I went. HARD.  I fell right on my swollen belly.  I’m not entirely sure, but it felt like one of the worst falls I’ve ever had.  It took awhile but I was finally able to get up and finished out the night quite sore, but I managed.  No rides though.

As we packed to go home I decided that I should probably go get checked out right away.  I still had a lot of pain, of course, but who knows what else was happening.  Internal bleeding?  Brusing in the wrong places.  Plus this whole swelling thing.  So I went straight from the airport to the hospital.

Getting to the hospital confirmed what I had thought was going on…  ascites.  Ascites happens when you have worsening portal hypertention -which I do, and usually when your liver is starting to shut down.

It’s very uncomfortable and there’s not much they seem to be able to do.  I’m taking diuretics and at the very most they can try and drain some of it.

Now for the really bad news…     While I was still in the ER they did a CT scan. The ER doc came in and told me from the scan that I am full of metistatic disease and he put in an order for a consult with Hospice.

Right now I’m numb.  Everything is surreal.  

Once I was admitted to the hospital they actually sent someone from Hospice to my room.  I haven’t even had a chance to talk to MJ about anything so I told her I wasn’t ready.  That I’ll call someone when I get home.

I did take a peek at the brochure.  It’s full of lucky old people. 


I’d be smiling too if I didn’t have to consult with Hospice at 42.  I can honestly say for the first time in the 3+ years that I’ve had cancer, that I feel like this is totally unfiar.