Y90: Part III

Don’t worry.  You didn’t miss parts I and II here.
Yesterday I went in for the third part of my Y90 treatment.  Parts I and II were for one side of my liver and now III and IV will be the other side.  It involves a bunch of things like an “Angio-Seal” (Pictured below)

and radioactive beads that I don’t totally understand.

I went to the Interventional Radiology department at the hospital into a room that looks like this:

When they first wheeled me in, one of the nurses came up to tell me what they were doing and to sign consent and then a male nurse came over to set up things. As the first nurse was talking I noticed she had a really cute stone carved sea turtle hanging on her neck. Once she finished I mentioned that I really liked it and showed her my turtle tattoo.  While we were admiring each others turtles, the male nurse piped in and said, “well alright, if were sharing turtles” and he lifted up his pant leg to show us the tribal turtle on the back of his calf.  And the best part is we all got our turtles in Hawaii!  Made me feel a little calmer about getting on the table for the “procedure”.

They have always referred to the Y90 as a “procedure”.  I’m not sure why but look at what happens…

It seems like minor surgery to me.  I was awake but faded from the pain meds.  The first two times I went through this I didn’t have any issues.  No pain really.  I did get a fever and felt like I had the flu after the second one.  So I was confident there wouldn’t be any issues this time either.
Wrong.
Towards the end of it I started to have quite  bit of pain.  I was really uncomfortable.  It was that moment where I thought, “maybe doing this 3 weeks after major surgery wasn’t the best idea”.  Unfortunately we had to do it though because of insurance issues.
They had given me all the pain meds I could have so I was getting a little bit cranky.

After the “procedure” they sent me to a special CT scanner.  It had the normal open tunnel but it also had a flat monitor like thing over my chest.  I had to hold my breath a number of times like a regular CT and it was 5 minutes for each scan.  After the second scan the radiologist told me I had one more scan that was going to be about 30 minutes.  I was already in tears by this point.  I didn’t think I could handle it.  Too much.  Everything hurt.
She saw I was distressed and they let me go without doing it.  I’m not sure if I’ll have to go back in to do it, but I just knew there was no way.

That got me thinking about the whole meditation thing.  Could I have done it if I had “meditation skills”?  Could I have breathed through the pain?

If anyone has thoughts about this or does meditation and can give me more info I would really appreciate it.

So today I’ve been sick.  Really sick.

The recovery nurse yesterday told me to start Prilosec as soon I got home.  They told me that last time but nothing happened, so I didn’t take it.
Big mistake.  Huge.
I woke up at about 2 in the morning with the worst pain in my chest.  Terrible.  At first I was wondering if I was having a heart attack or did I get a blood clot?  I was freaking out until I remembered the Prilosec.  Ugh.  I didn’t get any so I had to just manage through it until the morning.  My pain meds didn’t even really help.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  But as the quote above says, I don’t feel like moving.  I’m struggling.  there’s nothing I’ve found to distract me from all of it.  And it’s so frustrating.

I feel like part of my lack of spark is from the conversation with my oncologist.  When we talked about everything he was basically like, “Well, you’ve had a good run.  Sorry there’s nothing more we can do”.  Of course that’s not exactly what he said.  Not in those words, but in a way that felt like those words.  I know he’s been wrong a few times before so I don’t know why this one has gotten to my core.  I guess because the options have run out?  I dunno, but I really want myself back.
In the mean time, I’ll be trying to heal from everything.
<sigh>