“Hey, you don’t know me,
your doctor’s lazy.
You might have cancer,
We’ll call you, maybe”
OK, it was quite like that, but it was 3 years ago today that I got my call from the mystery doc to tell me I had cancer. I’m still not quite sure why it wasn’t my doc that had called. I think we had played phone tag.
Anyway, wow. THREE years!
Sometimes it doesn’t seem that long ago at all and other times it seems like it was 10 years ago. I would say that it mostly feels like it was yesterday. Time has flown by and it freaks me out still.
I think with my most recent news I feel almost the same as I did 3 years ago. Almost. Obviously I’ve had time to come to terms with everything but there is still some uneasiness, fear and anxiety that I still have and I’m still learning to deal with. Meditation is something that I’ve always wanted to get more into and still haven’t yet. I have books and CDs but for whatever reason I avoid it. I’m not sure why. I think part of it is because I want to do it with someone else but it’s not exactly a team sport.
The thing I remember most about that call was that the doctor I talked to made it seem like it wasn’t that bad. That I’d “have a little chemo” and I “should be alright”. Knowing what I know now I wonder what the hell he was thinking telling me that, but it was probably for the best that he did. It did give me time to settle into everything and not get hit with all of the bad news at once.
I looked back at the last 2 “blogaversary” posts from the last 2 years and things are different. I was way more optimistic than I am today. I had options. I had hope. I’m still feeling sucker-punched from the news a little over a week ago and I’m not exactly feeling hope yet. I’m not feeling like there “could” be some other options out there somewhere. My posts were full of, I dunno, “life” and I’m not feeling that today. What a bleak post this is compared to those. What a bleak post this is in general. Blah.
I’m really trying to find the happiness in the fact that it has been three years and I am still here. Being depressed and not living my life because of the idea that my life will be cut short doesn’t make any sense! Right?
I drive myself crazy sometimes.
I can tell you one thing I’m grateful and happy for… all of you. I’d have such a harder time if I didn’t have the greatest team behind me that I do. Please know that I do not take that for granted at all. Much love to you all. Much.