Love

self-love

It’s been just over a week since the visit to my oncologist.  Seems like a month.
I’m pretty sure I’ve gone through every emotion there is and may have even discovered a few.  It’s been good and tough and everything in between.

The one thing that was just absolutely incredible that happened was the outpouring of love and support.  Outpouring isn’t even the best word I have to describe it.  People from every chapter of my life reached out to let me know they were thinking about me or to find out what they could do to help, to make me laugh or share in a cry.  After almost 3 years of this journey, people are still in the fight with me and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everyone in my life.  Even those that I know are still fighting with me but have no words right now.

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I’m not really good at expressing my gratitude or thanks.  I’m not good at showing people how much thy mean to me or how much I love them.  I feel like I don’t have the right words or the perfect gesture.  So I feel what happens is I let things go and then I feel horrible that all the people I care so much about have no idea how much they mean to me.  And then the hole feels like it gets deeper.
I honestly feel like I’ve either lost family and friends because of it or have at least damaged relationships.  And if you are one that feels that way I’m truly sorry.  I’m really trying to learn how to celebrate those that matter so much to me.

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Please know that every message, text, phone call, post, gift and everything else people have done for me in the last week is cherished.  EVERY one.  I couldn’t get news like that and make it through the week feeling alone and that was probably the only emotion I didn’t feel.  So thank you.  So much.  It really makes a huge difference in this battle.

If I haven’t talked, texted or messaged you back yet, I’m sorry.  I haven’t been totally into talking or writing but I’m coming around.  I’ll get there.

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The one thing I can say for sure is that you all have helped me feel like I have some fight yet.  It’s hard to totally feel in the game while I’m still recovering from the surgery.  I still have quite a bit of pain and I tire easily, but my surgeon says I’m recovering just fine and he thinks I’m doing great despite feeling like someone stole my organs and dumped me in a cold bathtub in a warehouse.
Hopefully as more weeks pass I will feel more and more back in the game and truly feel like there’s still some time to be had.  That I’ll be able to get in more adventures.
I love life more than I know what to do with sometimes and I appreciate the reminders when I’ve been kicked down.

Thank you.  Much love to you all.

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One thought on “Love

  1. I know the feeling of being knocked off your feet:) I have been on the cancer jounery since 2009. We talked at my cancer group about how important it is to listen to your heart,our intuition on making chooses of treatment options. Quality of life:) it sounds like your using your time to recharge! Your fight is not over,no matter what you choose to do! Prayers are very powerful and you are surrounded by them with much love!
    Linda Bronner

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