I guess before I get to that, I should mention that it’s been quite awhile since I’ve posted here. Mainly because I’ve been out living but also because I’ve had trouble with sharing for awhile. I’m not sure why but I just haven’t been in the mood to talk about what’s going on and happening. Last October I went to Utah for some canoeing and camping with a great youth cancer organization called True North Treks. A week after I retuned from that trip I went home and surprised my family for my Grandfather’s birthday party. Was back in Cali for about 2 weeks and then headed to Maui with another fantastic youth cancer organization called Athletes for Cancer. I learned how to surf, or I should say I learned I’m not a good surfer. But I did come home with an awesome tattoo.
But since those trips I’ve had a hard time. I had many life stressers and I wasn’t dealing very well.
Which brings us to the New Year!
At the very end of December things were starting to look up. My stressers were working out and I felt like things were going in the right direction.
On the evening of Decemeber 28 I was feeling horrible. I had abdomen pain that wasn’t going away. I went into the ER and to make sure I didn’t have any blood clots, they did a CT scan. The ER doc came back to inform me that nothing had really changed from my last scan except for my lung nodules getting a bit larger.
She didn’t know I didn’t know the cancer had spread to my lungs. It was an akward moment we had. And I was extremely sad to hear the cancer had spread.
The ER visit ended up with me having gallbladder surgery.
A normal gallbladder removal is done laparoscopically in about an hour. Because I had so much scar tissue and liver issues etc., my surgery was open and took about 4 hours. I was in the hospital for a week and it was quite painful. Spent New Years in my hospital bed. Didn’t feel like a great way to start the New Year. I’ve been home from the hospital for 5 days now and I’m still recovering. Still have quite a bit of pain. I’ve been getting impatient and doing things I’m not supposed to yet and I really end up paying for it.
Now that we’ve been out of the hospital and my oncologist is back from his Christmas vacation, we finally got to have an appointment with him to talk about the lung mets. I had already put myself into a mindset that it was not going to be good news and to prepare to hear it. Even when you already prepare for the worst news, it’s never easy to hear it.
The news we got from him was about as bad as I thought.
I have basically run out of options.
Devastating news to hear.
He told me there’s really nothing they can do for the lungs. There’s chemo that I can try but in his opinion, he doesn’t think it will make any difference. They will finish the Y90 treatment in my liver, but after that there’s nothing else they have to treat my liver. And even if there were, he doesn’t think my liver could really handle anything more.
Chemo is not meant to be a long term solution. Most people are on it for about 6 months and their treatment is done. The fact that I’ve had 2 1/2 years of it is kinda crazy and it’s a lot for the body to handle.
We pressed him a bit about prognosis. He was rather candid and said that most people with my degree of disease of stage IV colon cancer don’t usually last past 2 years. I’m about to go into my 3rd year. He doesn’t feel that my organs, mainly my liver, will last much longer. He expects failure within this year.
I don’t know what to feel right now. Part of me is crushed, part of me is numb and there’s a part of me that’s just angry. It’s a lot to process and I’m guessing it will take me a bit to come out of the fog. I don’t know what my next steps will be. To be very honest, I’ve lost my fighting spirit right now.
I’m trying to find the hope inside of me. I’m pretty sure it’s still there somewhere. Because I know I can’t go on without it. I know the doctors have all given me a terrible prognosis before, but I do think it’s getting serious now. And I’m scared.
I’ve got a bit of recovering from this surgery to do yet. (And I know I need to stop overdoing it!) So I have the time now to sit with all of this and process it the best I can. Get some snuggles and healing touch from my furry friends. I’ve got some time to spend with my family and time to talk, message or text with far away family and friends. And I need it. Please don’t be weird or afraid to talk to me. It’s OK to talk about. I want to know about your feelings too. It all matters so much.
The one thing that has not changed and will not change is my love for family and friends.
So here’s to the New Year and to hoping this bumpy start is just that. A very bumpy start.