two years

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Over 1 million minutes have passed, but I remember the call like it was yesterday….

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The doctor (who was not my normal doc) called.
My favorite thing he said was, “you’ll be OK.  You’ll probably have to do some chemo and everything will be fine”.

What?!??  Well, you can go back and read it.  But you can imagine how that feels.

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I’m still here!  I would love to find that doctor so he could see how well I’m doing.  I’d give him a big hug and then punch him in the throat.  “Some” chemo – my ass.

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It’s hard to believe it’s been that long already.  Honestly, it scares the shit out of me.  Time is fucking racing so fast I can’t really deal lately.

The other day I remembered that it was two years ago I started this journey with you here in blog format and I wanted to do something special.  I wanted to change the cover and move everything over to my newly purchased web domain space and all kinds of other fun stuff.  I’ve never been good at deadlines and getting things done on time so it’s not super surprising that I put it off and didn’t get it done.  It’s not even a shock that I’m throwing this post together at 2am.  The next day.  It’s not even the anniversary anymore.  It was yesterday.  I suck.

Two-Years

I’m doing fine.  Physically I’m probably the healthiest I’ve been since I was diagnosed. And BUSY.  Just super busy and while I enjoy getting out and living my life it gets overwhelming sometimes. I don’t HAVE things to do other than 2 video projects and 2 photo projects.  I’m not buried with work but it feel like it.  I’ve been kinda freaking out.  I can’t really sleep but I’m not super productive with my night time either.  Everything is whizzing by so fast that I sit here stunned sometimes.  Trying to hang on. At the same time I’m scared to slow down.  I don’t want to miss anything and I don’t want it all to stop.

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There’s so much going on I don’t even know where to begin to catch up.  I will.  Or maybe I won’t.  Who knows?  I certainly don’t.  My doctors certainly don’t.  Guess that whole “you have months left” thing is over since it was mid-October when he said that.  They don’t know what to do with me.  My numbers snapped back and I’ve been able to go back on chemo.  I’m not at full doses but so far my remaining tumors are stable and haven’t spread anywhere else.  We’ll just keep going with it till it doesn’t work anymore, I guess.
-No, I don’t entirely know what’s going on because I’m choosing to not ask again.  I think it’s better for me to not know right now.  I don’t want to go through the panic again.  I don’t want to feel like I’m waiting for the shoe to drop any more than I already am.

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So I’m planning fun stuff.  Were getting tickets to Greece this week with a possible London layover for a few days.  I was chosen to go to surfing in Hawaii for a week with Athletes for Cancer and maybe a kayak trip in Montana with Mary Jo.  Trying to work out a trip home to take the kids to the cabin and get to spend some quality time with family and friends in Michigan.  Still have Disneyland passes to wear out and I’m going back to LA for another taping of the Big Bang Theory on Tuesday.  I have my wife, my projects, my art, the kids, the cats and the dog.

I will blog when I can and want to.  I do want to, but I’ve been putting it off.  I’m avoiding talking a little bit.  I admit it.  But I have to say that I so appreciate having the outlet and the amazing support you all give.  It’s made a huge difference.

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So I’m sorry there wasn’t big bells and whistles and confetti coming off the page.  I’m sorry that I’m not feeling very chatty lately and I’m busy.  I can see time coming up where we don’t have much planned and I’ll probably end up pacing the floor.  Encourage me to write.  Please.

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I love you all and I love you for hanging with me on this crazy journey.  The last two years were by far the best and the worst all wrapped up in one deranged little story.
Thanks again and I hope to see you at 2am, January 20, 2016, when I’m throwing together another missed anniversary post.

RibbonBlue©

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4 thoughts on “two years

  1. I love your blog, Heather- whether you write a little or a lot. Keep living your life so that you have stuff to write about when you feel like it. Love you!

  2. Heather, you are such an inspiration. Not just to people with illness but to everyone. When I ready about all that you have done and all that you still plan to do it just amazes me, if I did half of what you do I would feel accomplished. Cancer or no cancer contecting with you through your blog helps light a fire inside of me to do more for self and others. Thank you! Non of us know how much time we have left on earth, we should live life to the fullest but we don’t. Thank you again, Your amazing!

    One of the ever so famous Bunco Babes,

    Karen Jones

  3. Sorry I didn’t find your blog sooner — it is truly inspirational. I bet you didn’t write it, thinking that it would affect so many people. With all the “downs” in our ups & downs days, you are certainly an UPPER. Hugs from Vegas. From a long-time friend of your mom and dad. Sue Wilson

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