Scan Nerves

I have an MRI tomorrow.


I have more anxiety and feelings about this scan than any I’ve had so far.  Even my diagnosis scans.
I will either be better or worse.  Not that the outcome wasn’t the same for the previous scans, but I could potentially be clear for this one.
N.E.D.  (No Evidence of Disease).

With either outcome there’s some big decisions to be made.
The chemo has gotten to me.  I honestly don’t know how many more rounds I can handle right now.  If the tumors have grown, well, I may have to just tough it out.  If they’ve only grown a little, well, maybe I can take a round or two off.  Or maybe he’ll want to keep going at a lesser dose.  If I’m clear?  That’s the scary one.  As much as I want to be clear and be off chemo, I have an extremely high reoccurrence rate.  Like almost guaranteed. If I stop chemo, it could spread.  But it might not.

If I don’t stop chemo, I’m not sure how my body is going to react in a few more rounds.  As it is right now, my hands are torn up (typing this post is actually putting me in quite a bit of pain) and my feet are starting to be effected again.  I have mouth sores that make eating difficult.  My face is dry and cracked and my nose bleeds frequently.  I have an acne like rash all over my back and chest that is just slightly better than a severe case of a teenagers.  I have frequent insomnia and hot flashes. All of that is on top of the general fatigue and sometimes nausea.

Sometimes I kinda look like someone beat me up.


Just call me Heather Chemohands…


Besides the physical toll chemo takes the emotional part is tough too.  The idea that you have to keep taking this poison to keep you alive is mentally taxing.  I just want my life back.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to be able to plan things two or three years out without having to question myself in the back of my mind if I will be here for it.

There’s something about being NED that I feel might give me a mental and possibly physical break from all of this.  Even if it’s just for a few months.  A few months of feeling somewhat “normal” again.  Then again maybe it won’t, but I sure would rather hear I’m NED than hearing the tumors have grown or spread.

I will hopefully have news on Tuesday.  I’ll let you know as soon as I hear.

In the mean time a few prayers, good thoughts and positive energy couldn’t hurt.
I’ll try and stay calm and cool 😀


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