The “what ifs”

It’s Christmas Eve.
I’m cleaning and getting last minute gifts wrapped.  MJ is making a gingerbread house from scratch with the kids.  In a few hours we will start our Christmas Eve tradition of going to MJ’s parents house for taco salad dinner with candy cane ice cream and the kids get to open their gifts.
I’m happy.  And it’s moments like today where I start to struggle with “the what ifs”  Those bastards creep in on me and before I know it they’ve snatched my bain.

We all get a case of “the what ifs”.  It’s natural and normal.  But for someone with a serious illness, it’s our worst enemy.  Especially on days like today.

The “what ifs” have already tunneled their way into my skull today.  I woke up happy.  My family is happy.  Were going about our day and I look over into the kitchen at my smiling family getting gingerbread all over the place and I think, “Will they want to do this again next year?  Is this a new tradition?  WILL I BE HERE FOR IT?  And there it is…  the dreaded, “what if I’m not here next year”.

None of us know how much time we have to spin on the earth.  It’s true.  The only difference for me is I can see my bus.  I don’t know how fast it’s coming or maybe it won’t even be the bus at all.  Maybe it’ll be a speeding car out of nowhere, but I can see the bus there.  And it looms some days making me feel like there’s no escape from it.
Usually I can snap myself out of it and enjoy the moments that I cherish so much.  The ones I’m freaking out over missing.  I just remind myself I’m not missing them now, and I can’t let anything ruin the moments I have!  But I’m not going to lie, it’s hard some days.

So today I acknowledge those thoughts will come and that some days it will be hard to deal with.  And I will move on and enjoy my days.  I’ll enjoy my taco salad and I won’t steal MJs ice cream (ask her about that one).  I’ll watch the kids glow as they open their gifts and I’ll replace my thoughts of doom and gloom with anticipation for next year.  No one has a guarantee for next year but still plan for it anyway, so I will to.

Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday season to you all!
With much love,  Heather

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