Before we left on vacation I made myself a calendar of activities to do once we got home.  I found support groups and classes to take.  Things to keep myself busy.  I was really looking forward to getting into a routine.
Getting sick and going back into the hospital threw everything off.  Having the biliary bag put in killed all of my swimming plans.  Having infections squashed all of my gardening plans. And not knowing when I have to take pain medication makes it difficult to plan things that involve driving myself.   So besides feeling somewhat sick everyday, I’m having a hard time getting into a routine and getting out of the house.

I’ve even been struggling to find things to keep me occupied in the house.  I’m tired of TV.  I haven’t been interested in doing computer things I normally like.  I haven’t even kept up with this blog.  I haven’t reached out to people as much as before and I know that’s been effecting me too.
I did buy a knitting kit to try and teach myself to knit.  Haven’t really gotten very far with that yet.  I have puzzles and games that keep me interested in short spurts.

I just know that I’m down.  I think I’ve finally had the time to be alone and take in everything that’s happened in the last 5 months.  It’s a lot.  And I’m not sad in the “why me” kinda of way, just trying to figure out what routine I need to keep my mind off of being sick.
I struggle with the frustration of planning anything.  I’m realizing I need to just plan like I normally would and not worry about if I have to cancel things.  It’s going to happen and I need to accept that.

The good news is I’m back on a normal chemo schedule.  The side effects are getting a little worse but are still quite manageable.  The worst of all of my symptoms is I have mouth sores.  I have rinses that help but then it numbs my mouth and changes my taste for everything.  And that makes it tough when I’m struggling with my appetite.  Hopefully it won’t get much worse than what it is now.  The only other major struggle I have is with fatigue which also contributes to my being down right now.

I know things will be more manageable once I do get into a routine.  I’m going to start going to a couple of support groups at the hospital and an art therapy class.  I found a couple of yoga classes specifically for cancer survivors that I want to check out and hopefully they’ll get my gallbladder worked out so I can swim again sometime this summer.  I will be reaching out for contact and support again too.

We all have ups and downs and I’m surprised it took this long to get to this.  I’ve just had such great support I haven’t had a chance to be down I guess 😀

4 thoughts on “Depression

  1. I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time, Heather. If we lived in San Diego, I’d definitely come over and keep you company, a lot. I hope that you’re able to get a routine down and get your spirits lifted. You’ve had enough, warrior…. and it’s time that you get a break. Thinking of you and sending out thoughts/energy/prayers in to our Universe. *hugs*

  2. I would LOVE to come over and show you how to knit and/or crochet! As you may have gleaned from my recent FB posts, this is something I often enjoy as a kind of meditation/relaxation. It requires just enough attention to keep the anxiety at bay and relax the mind, but not enough to be frustrating or difficult. I have all kinds of fun tools and yarns, and can help you find fun and easy projects to try for a first timer (like dishcloths!).

    • Yes! I tried from the book and watched youtube videos but I haven’t figured it out yet. It would be very helpful to see someone else do it. Let me know when you have time busy lady. My schedule is pretty open 😉

  3. You are entitled to “down” time… you’ve already been through so much. But you are also entitled to some “up” time… it’ll return. What have you always wanted to read… what have you always wanted to learn (French? Spanish?)… books on tape if watching makes you quesy… and some days, mindless cartoons might do just fine. Keep on, keepin’ on…. we all know you will.

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