This process of waiting is more than the “don’t think of a pink elephant” and that’s the first thing you think of.  Way more.  It’s more like working in an office, having your boss come in and tell you that there’s an animal loose in the room and they’re not sure what it is yet, but they’re trying to figure it out.  So don’t worry.  Just keep working.  And every now and then while you’re trying to file reports or send e-mails, something bites you. Sometimes hard. Makes work a little difficult.  Also makes you a bit crazy.

So what is strength?  It’s something I’ve been thinking about the last few days, but today especially.  I think the underlying emotions are the same but everyone deals with crisis in their life very differently.  There wasn’t a pamphlet in the doctors office of “Hey! We really think it’s cancer, but we’re not entirely sure”  so I didn’t really know what to expect.

Keeping strong for me is being real.  It’s embracing the emotions that come, sit with them for awhile and decide which ones get to stay.  I think it’s  unreasonable for someone with this kind of news to not emotionally explore what possibilites may come.  The difficult part right now is processing all of it without causing worry.  I happen to like to talk about it. And sometimes those thoughts may be a little darker than others.  Sometimes I’ll be funny and sometimes I’ll be sad. And maybe I’m over the hump?  I have no idea right now.  There wasn’t a “Still think it’s cancer but it might be 2 more weeks” pamphlet either.
Maybe I should write one for them. And then all of this may all change once we get the official word and move into treatment.  Who knows. We’ll see. Hopefully there will be a pamphlet for that.

But please know, dear friends, that whatever space I may seem to be in, I’m still in warrior pose.  Getting ready for whatever battle may come.


2 thoughts on “Strength

  1. Wow Heather! Have you always been able to write like this. Damn, girl…you have a great way of presenting it in a way that everyone can understand. Not just understand…but realize that hey, even though I’m not the one that has to live through this experience; I think I know exactly what she means.

    The office example here, and the comment in an earlier posts about looking at people in Costco, wondering if they have ever had cancer; after experienceing horrible pain, almost feeling relief that you don’t have to wonder if it might be cancer, etc. Some of these tidbits have really stuck with me. I have always known you have a strong and insightful mind, I didn’t ever think of it being the tool that would keep you “strong” and get you through the journey if you ever had cancer…but now I know! Love ya so much… Big Hugs!

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