We met with a gynecologist on Thursday morning. I thought it was odd that it was just a regular gyno, but I figured that was the next step according to Kaiser. Yeah, it wasn’t.
She basically walked in said, “You know this is cancer, right”? Well, yeah. I mean we don’t have an “official” diagnosis, but yeah. She wasn’t sure why were sent there but hopped on the phone to try and get me in with the right people that same day. No can do though, and so here we are on another 4 day holding pattern. ARGHhhh!
We have a magnet and poster of emotions that we use sometimes when talking to the kids.
It looks like this:
I have gone through every single one of these emotions in the past 48 hours. At least twice. Some of them more than others.
A little bit of reality setting in and still no action. It’s driving me a bit insane.
The only thing I haven’t hit is the “why me”. I don’t know why and it doen’t matter but really I feel like “why Mary Jo?, why the kids? why my family?” I do believe everything happens for a reason and everything in my life with MJ has been God lead, it just seems so damn unfair and hopefully I can find a way to work through those emotions. All of them.
So we’ve been trying to keep busy. Errands, friends, garage sales. Whatever we can do to pass the time. I’ve had very high anxiety and it’s hard to escape it.
Now that we have a clearer picture of what’s going on, I feel like I want to be informed but the information gets so overwhelming. And frightening. Certainly not helping with that whole anxiety thing. I did join an online support group and will be looking for a local support group. Hopefully that will help.
Today I found a meditation track on the hospital’s website specifically dealing with cancer. It was amazing. Very peaceful and I feel a little back to normal right now. I will definitely be looking for more of those.
In the mean time I have enjoyed everything everyone has sent to me, all the well wishes, phone calls, e-mails and funny facebook posts. They all really do help. Keep ’em coming warriors!
Tell you what… you keep all that stuff comin, and I’ll stay out of that dark cloud 🙂