This process of waiting is more than the “don’t think of a pink elephant” and that’s the first thing you think of. Way more. It’s more like working in an office, having your boss come in and tell you that there’s an animal loose in the room and they’re not sure what it is yet, but they’re trying to figure it out. So don’t worry. Just keep working. And every now and then while you’re trying to file reports or send e-mails, something bites you. Sometimes hard. Makes work a little difficult. Also makes you a bit crazy.
So what is strength? It’s something I’ve been thinking about the last few days, but today especially. I think the underlying emotions are the same but everyone deals with crisis in their life very differently. There wasn’t a pamphlet in the doctors office of “Hey! We really think it’s cancer, but we’re not entirely sure” so I didn’t really know what to expect.
Keeping strong for me is being real. It’s embracing the emotions that come, sit with them for awhile and decide which ones get to stay. I think it’s unreasonable for someone with this kind of news to not emotionally explore what possibilites may come. The difficult part right now is processing all of it without causing worry. I happen to like to talk about it. And sometimes those thoughts may be a little darker than others. Sometimes I’ll be funny and sometimes I’ll be sad. And maybe I’m over the hump? I have no idea right now. There wasn’t a “Still think it’s cancer but it might be 2 more weeks” pamphlet either.
Maybe I should write one for them. And then all of this may all change once we get the official word and move into treatment. Who knows. We’ll see. Hopefully there will be a pamphlet for that.
But please know, dear friends, that whatever space I may seem to be in, I’m still in warrior pose. Getting ready for whatever battle may come.